winter is here

today i woke up to snow. i am normally not a big fan of snow, especially now that i am deep in dirty suburbia, but there is just something so enticing about the first flurries that finds me watching at the window for endless stretches of time. the light and airy, delicate flakes fluttering about, it makes me want to be wrapped in a thick comforter sipping clam chowder. i should stock up soon, it feels like a very cold winter this year. maybe this year i will try to make clam chowder from scratch.

as it gets colder and colder, so do i. i hate the bone-deep chilly feeling i have all winter, even central heating is not robust enough to keep me comfy. its always been so, i must be exceptionally hot-blooded. the doctors have always said so anyway. in winter i feel like i am walking around with a fever constantly, a 4 month fever. my poor feetsies.

the lovely snow blues are creeping up on me again. i can feel the days getting shorter with each moon pass. soon i'll be in full blown hibernation mode and crabby as hell. the little things are starting to get to me as they tend to do when the warmth leaves the sunlight. i get morose and melancholy. i turn into a sleepy mama-bear. its strange, i feel torn between the compulsion to want to be alone and curl up in a den somewhere, and the strong desire to fold myself into the warmth of another. the battle rages on. hopefully my hunny will catch on soon that i need his snuggles more than ever right now, but i doubt it. it would do no good to come right out and say so. his life is so full of busy and important things that he doesnt notice those little bits of me looking sideways at him at odd moments anymore. i don't so much mind, i know he has a hustling bustling life full of interesting folks and captivating activities, but sometimes i miss the way it was. i hope he finds his way back to my heart soon. i long for those close moments, early morning snug in bed with frost on the windows, and secret kisses on sleepy lashes. i dont think it will ever be that way again, and i have come to terms with it, i have accepted it, it is... "O.K.", but i still think about those days. now it has turned into something different and new-ish. a sort of plateau. we have both settled into our separate roles, and now that he lives farther away, those roles have become even more distinct. i guess this is what it feels like to "grow up". thats what my mother would tell me, i think. i have tried different things lately, in silly attempts to recapture his attention, but we are where we are. i feel like for him, it is more of a comforting convenience state, a dependable familiarity. for me, i don't really know what it is., except that i want our love to grow and not wallow. transformation i could handle, loss i could overcome, but stagnation is a misery i cannot take. it is a long suffering death. but the more attempts i make unnoticed, the less i want to try, and resign myself to a lifetime of quite moments waiting at the window. i feel like a victorian widow. who knows what the new year will bring? certainly, more snow.

have been crafting of late. knitting, sewing, baking, and more. i made a giant foldy-pen to let the ratties run wild in. its really fun to just hang out in there with them climbing all over me. they seem to enjoy it quite a bit. albus has a bump under her arm that worries me, so we will be going to the vet soon again, and i will bring edward for good measure since she is also at that scary age of blossoming tumors. expecting surgery soonish. i hope my sweet girls will be ok.

frosty is in the delights of new company. i really want this to work out for him. he deserves someone to treat him right, and lord knows he has had his fair share of waiting. i think we are all trying not to count chickens on this one, but i have very high hopes, and so far have not been disappointed. his new found affection is going through some hard times right now yet is still unfailingly wonderful. i wish there was some way we could be more supportive of his situation, but at the moment it seems he just needs time and space to process everything, which i respect.

ah, winter. you are the unrequited suitor, every year spurned, never fail to return. someday i hope to greet your approach with an open heart and a warm hearth, but until then... hold off on the snow until you are serious.